Idiots Need Only Apply

fool me once

In a recent article I wrote, Pay Per Click You Make Me Sick, I lamented the total disrespect that many website owners have for freelance writers. But there’s disrespect and then there’s disrespect.  The individual who posted the following ad on Gumtree Australia, which I present in all its unedited stupidity, scales such dizzying heights with his contempt for us wordsmiths that he’s punched a hole in the ozone layer—of Mars.

Are you interested in writing?

Perhaps you’ve dreamed of writing your memoirs?

Or fancied yourself as a creative writer, novilist, screenplay writer or playwrite.

I am writing a screenplay, the successful aplicant will earn 2% and will act as a ghost writer meaning you name will not be attatched.

What do you have to gain?

You will be working with a highy imaginative, trained screenplay writer.

You will learn the power of structure and the importance of applying stradegy to the writing process.

You will expand in everyway as a writer from conception to conviction learning exactly how to make a story work and to mine an idea for its full potential.

I feel absolutely blessed to be in the creative industry and am humbled by the furtive creative energy that esters continuosly from the minds of the imaginitives amoungst us.

Artist have the potential to leave lasting influences on our society and if we work together our ideas may take on larger momentum!

peace
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Okay, let’s break this golden opportunity for the gormless down.

I am writing a screenplay, the successful aplicant will earn 2% and will act as a ghost writer meaning you name will not be attatched.

If you’re unlucky enough to land this gig, you will earn 2%. Two percent of what, the ramen noodles he microwaved for breakfast? Somehow I doubt that the unemployment benefits he gets will cover the cost of paying you in cash money.

You will be working with a highy imaginative, trained screenplay writer.

So “highy” imaginative and trained in fact that proper spelling has lost all of its allure to him, as has writing the screenplay.

You will learn the power of structure and the importance of applying stradegy to the writing process.

You sure will, just as soon as he learns them.

You will expand in everyway as a writer from conception to conviction learning exactly how to make a story work and to mine an idea for its full potential.

After you conceive the idea you will be convicted. If, however, you agree to take a plea bargain, you may receive a reduced sentence.

I feel absolutely blessed to be in the creative industry and am humbled by the furtive creative energy that esters continuosly from the minds of the imaginitives amoungst us.

This is where whatever he’s been self-medicating with really starts to kick in. With lines like the furtive creative energy that esters continuosly from the minds of the imaginitives, he could make a king’s ransom writing comedy or Taiwanese-to-English instruction manuals.

Artist have the potential to leave lasting influences on our society and if we work together our ideas may take on larger momentum!

There’s Rembrandt, there’s Beethoven, there’s Tolstoy, and there’s this guy.

Pay Per Click You Make Me Sick

pay per click you make me sick
If you’re a freelance writer, I’m going to tell you something you already know.

Website owners hate having to pay you to write content for them.

They hate, detest, loathe, despise, resent, abhor, and abominate having to pay you. As a matter of fact, if they had a choice between paying you a fair price for web content or dining on the scum scraped from the bottom of a slaughterhouse dumpster, they’d be tucking in a table napkin faster than you could say, “Ooh yuck!”

Website owners know only too well that the success of their online business hinges upon the written word. They know that even the words comprising the URL of their website can make or break their website. Yet the greatest weapon in their marketing arsenal is the very thing they’ll walk miles on broken glass in bare feet with a bottle of nitro held between their knees to avoid shelling out money for. They’ll pay top dollar for web design but not web content.

Why is that?

Because, to them, words are just things we writers pluck out of the neuron-spangled ether between our ears. We have a limitless supply of them, they don’t cost us a cent to produce, and just about anybody can line up a few of them to form something approximating a coherent sentence.

As irony would have it, they’re right on all counts. However, and this is a big however, they fail to appreciate—or refuse to appreciate—that writing well ain’t easy. It’s a skill that takes years to hone and perfect, if indeed it can be perfected. Moreover, bad writers outnumber good writers by the same margin that soldier ants outnumber the Loch Ness Monster. This makes good writers a scarce and valuable commodity.

Good Writing Is Its Own Reward But Only If You Get Paid for It

The point is if you’re a good writer, you’re worth the fee you charge your clients, or the fee you’d like to charge your clients. You’re worth it even if you don’t have any clients yet.

Now, don’t go confusing good writers with successful writers, because not all good writers are successful, and not all successful writers are good. I’ve read articles in esteemed magazines like Rolling Stone and The New Yorker that would have been more spellbinding if they’d been written by a head of lettuce. Successful writers are sometimes just lucky writers.

Newbie freelance writers tend to think website owners are doing them an immense favor just by publishing their articles. The validating rush that comes from seeing their work posted on a popular website—or one they’ve been led to believe is popular—is enough for them to give it away or sell it for next to nix. Many website owners know this and use that knowledge to take advantage of starry-eyed freelancers.

One way they diddle writers out of proper remuneration is through pay per click or pay per view schemes. With pay per click, writers receive a trifling percentage of revenue based on the number of people who click on ads embedded in their articles. Pay per view works much the same way, except payment is based on the number of people who view their articles, and the remuneration is

Ever heard of a freelance writer making decent money through these schemes?

Neither have I.

Nevertheless, these schemes flourish like bacteria in a sushi joint run by the walking dead, because gullible writers swallow the marketing salmonella that’s dished up with them.

If a website is making a healthy profit, why on earth would the owner want to share it with writers when paying them outright is a far cheaper option? A one-time payment is just that, but a profit-based payment is ongoing. Also, a one-time payment is less time consuming for the website owner to organize, whereas a profit-based payment requires some calculation and substantiation on his part. Multiply all that work by the number of writers creating content for his website, and the profit-based model becomes a real nail in the tail.

There is only one reason a website owner would bother with this form of payment.

It saves him a ton of dough.

BS: It’s Like PPC But With Two Letters

Angela Hoy wrote an article on the pay-per-click scam—no apologies from me for calling it a scam—in which she supplied some spirit-squishing examples of the typical amounts of money writers made this way. That was back in 2003. I was going to research whether the situation had improved over the past 13 years, but an ad touting the pecuniary joys of PPC posted recently on a freelance writing jobs website told me everything I needed to know. I’ve changed the name of the URL in the first excerpt to protect the guilty.

Ipitythefoolwhowritesforus.com is currently seeking up to 100 News Writers to join our rapidly expanding team of writers.

Wow! That’s a heaping helping of writers, huh? Traffic to this website must be virtual fender to virtual fender to warrant a call for so many scribes.

Not necessarily.

As of this writing, the website’s global Alexa ranking is 1,147,221, and its USA ranking is 959,839. To put those figures in perspective, if the Internet were the Boston Marathon, the website would have come eighth last, though the ad left yours truly with the impression that it had beaten Google for first place.

So why the need for 100 writers?

To replace the steady outflow of writers who’ve realized that the PPC method of payment is a gyp.

You will be expected to write at least 5-10 posts a week, although the more you write, the more you could potentially earn.

Did you catch the devil in that? Could potentially earn, not will earn but could potentially earn.

Great horny toads! Not even going to all the trouble of clacking out 10 articles for this mob is a guarantee of anything resembling a financial reward.

Would people in other professions put up with such patently exploitative crap?

Nope.

But many freelance writers do.

We’re Looking for People Who Like to Write and Do Our Gardening

When I was starting out as a freelancer, I enquired about a job writing articles for one of those nerd news websites, which report on all the latest gossip in the comic book, gaming, and film worlds. The guy who ran the site informed me that there was no pay involved but that I could make some money off Google ads I placed in my articles. There was just one catch. He would get a fifty percent cut. He added that I was expected to promote my articles and the site itself on social media and anywhere else online that would have me.

Oh goody.

I worked out that if I wrote 100 articles a year, I’d earn something in the region of twenty bucks. That’s twenty bucks per year, not per article. This is because the type of people, i.e. nerds, that frequent the site use ad-blocking software and would never see the ads, much less click on them. Then there’s all the time I’d have to spend marketing the [insert really filthy expletive here] place. Since when did that become my responsibility? It’s his site, he can bloody well promote it himself!

It won’t be long before website owners expect us writers to degrease their ovens and re-pave their driveways on top of all their other demands. To them, we sit somewhere between rat dung and a mad scientist’s hunchback assistant.

Take a gander at the interminable list of criteria writers must meet in this job ad.

Did you notice that something important is missing from the copy?

Nowhere in all that text is there even the teensiest hint of how much money the successful applicant will get. Somehow the advertiser overlooked the fact that writers actually expect to be paid for their services. Considering that litany of requirements, I guess there just wasn’t enough space.

Where Would Writers Be If It Wasn’t for Cheap-Jack Writing Gigs?

People in the market for a freelance writer think they’re granting you a fabulous but richly undeserved favor simply by offering you work, when all they’re doing is advertising a need they have for a service you can supply. They’re not doing you a favor by placing the ad, and you’re not doing them a favor by responding to it. Both parties are merely engaging in a business transaction from which each is supposed to benefit.

Supposed to.

Unfortunately, some new freelancers will write for just about any price. This is why content mills like Elance are thriving and why website owners need defibrillation when you tell them you charge more than two cents per word.

Taking Back the Freelance Writing Biz One Miserly Bastard at a Time

If this regrettable state of affairs is to change, there are a number of things every freelance writer must do.

First, recognize that the best writing jobs are rarely advertised. You get those by contacting the editors of online magazines or the admins of super-duper popular websites and dazzling them with some scintillating writing samples. Only the lowest-paying, least glamorous writing jobs come looking for you. If you want to make pizza and beer money from freelancing, those sorts of gigs are fine. But if you want to make enough to buy a top-of-the-range Lexus, you’re barking up the wrong money tree. One that bears little fruit.

Second, you should always charge your clients what you know your writing is worth, not what the market dictates, a market unduly influenced by skinflints and people living in the Third World who, if they can make two dollars per day, are earning twice their country’s average daily wage. If writers refused to lower their pay rates to appease website owners out to save a buck, there would be a hell of a lot more profitable writing jobs on offer.

Third, don’t be afraid to fail at freelancing. I realize that this is the last thing you want to read in an article on freelance writing, but there is an upside to it. Once you accept that your dream of earning a living as a writer might not come true, fear of failure loses all of its terrible power over you. Fear begets desperation, and desperation makes you prey to exploitation. I can deal with failure but not with being exploited in the process.

Last, the next time you see a freelance-writers-wanted ad that includes those accursed letters PPC or that is asking writers to work for practically nothing, send the advertiser a creatively abusive email. Don’t write anything that will land you in prison. Just let him know that when you think of pus, you think of him. I’ve had tremendous fun doing this and hope to have more when I get out on parole.

But seriously, stingy website owners will continue to use and abuse writers until you, me, we call them on their flim-flam. With any luck, the gales of protest they cop will encourage them to renounce their evil ways and go back to doing more honest work, like fencing stolen goods or running drugs across the border.

Nightmare in Wax or Goodbye Max Hello Marie

Nightmare in Wax

If there’s one lesson to be learned from horror movies, it’s to stay the hell away from people who work in certain professions. Biogeneticists, morgue attendants, night watchmen, camp counselors, and above all else wax museum proprietors are people whose dire karma draws death and dismemberment like cheap motels draw unsightly stains. Nightmare in Wax, starring Cameron Mitchell in a sustainable performance that depletes few acting resources, is a 1969 testament to the dangers of socializing with persons who fall into that last category.

The Nightmare Begins

Movie producer Max Black, who could pass as Truman Capote’s taller brother, announces the engagement of Marie Morgan and Tony Deen, the two stars of his next low-budget fiasco, at a party he’s throwing.

Later that night, Tony is about to step into a lift when mad wax museum owner Vincent Renard injects him with a powerful tranquilizer. Renard is a man of distinctive appearance. He sports an eye patch, wears a Dr. Robert Schuller knock-off robe, and has a burn scar on his face that looks like mauve cake icing.

Three months after Deen goes missing, two cops, Haskell and Carver, drop in on Renard, who is promising the world to a lovely female head sticking through a table top in his waxworks studio. They ask him whether he knows anything about Deen’s disappearance. He says he doesn’t, then shows them Deen’s supposedly wax but disquietingly lifelike head, which is also sticking through a table top.

Renard flashbacks to happier, pre-mauve-cake-icing days  when he was in charge of the make-up department at Black’s movie studio and he and Marie were an item. He tells Marie she has to quit working for Black as he can’t stand how the old lech ogles her.

“Nobody does this to Max Black!” the producer bellows after Marie informs him she’s walking. Renard laughs at Black’s melodramatics. As Renard goes to light a cigarette, Black throws a glass of wine in his face, which erupts in flames. But they’re no ordinary flames. They’re magic flames suspended in the air several feet from Renard’s face. Not one to let a bad special effect get in the way of a good flashback, Renard stumbles screaming into Black’s swimming pool to douse the bogus conflagration.

Haskell and Carver speak with Marie, who has a flashback of her own. She visits Renard in hospital. Head wrapped in bandages, Renard sculpts a grotesque clay head as if it were his life’s purpose. He tells Marie to go away. When she refuses he rips off some of the bandages and forces her to gaze upon his empty eye socket. “Look at it! Look at it!” he snarls. “I want you to look at it!” She flees the room in horror. Renard throws the head on the floor, smashing it to pieces, then holds what’s left of it to his bosom and sobs. Sure it was a grotesque head, but it was his head.

Back in the present day–well, 1969–Marie calls Renard on the phone and invites him over to her place. He accepts the invitation. Aroused by the mention of his fiancée’s name, Deen keeps saying “Hello, Marie” until Renard ends the mindless mantra with a tranquilizer injection.

Nightmare in Wax injection

What are you doing after the decapitation?

Renard bumps into Black at Marie’s place. Their chance meeting is surprisingly amicable seeing how Black scarred him for life. Marie asks Renard if he would give her Deen’s wax figure. He agrees. But first she must pose for a wax figure he wants to make of her.

Sometime later, Nick, the museum’s gormless caretaker, who spends the entire movie in a Keystone Cop uniform, notices that the wax figure of a young woman is blinking. He tells Renard, who convinces him it was just a figment of his alcohol-impaired imagination. Renard promptly tranquilizes the young woman, giving her strict instructions not to blink, squirm, or shudder without his express permission.

Theresa, a ravishing go-go dancer with an IQ of minus twelve and a major thing for scarred, insane waxworks proprietors, joins Renard for a drink at his favorite discotheque. It was her wax head he was chatting with in an earlier scene. She says she can’t wait for him to complete her wax figure.

Black sends Alfred Herman, the director of his next movie, to the waxworks on a location-scouting mission. Herman recognizes the formerly blinking young woman, who was an actress in a vampire flick he directed. “She’s so lifelike. Hard to believe she’s gone,” he remarks.

“Maybe she isn’t,” Renard says. “Maybe she’s hypnotized—by a maniac.” He explains that by using a combination of certain drugs it’s possible to put someone to sleep and then wake that person centuries later.

Theresa lures Black to the museum on the pretext that Renard is going to unveil her wax likeness. Black collapses after downing a glass of spiked champagne. Renard informs him that he’s about to become one of the museum’s main exhibits.

Theresa asks Renard what he’s going to do to her, now that she’s witnessed his criminal activity. “Kill you,” he replies matter-of-factly. Screeching like a parrot with a migraine, she makes a run for it. He chases her around the museum, then kisses her passionately before knifing her in the gut.

Renard spies Haskell and Carver parked outside the museum. He speeds off in Black’s car with Theresa’s corpse in the front seat. The two cops pursue him. As Black’s car swerves along the darkened city streets, Renard kisses Theresa and professes his undying love for her. He then abandons her in the car and gives the cops the slip on foot.

Nightmare in Wax Head

You’ll get out of there when you tell me what you did with my drink coaster collection.

The following morning a newspaper headline reads MAX BLACK MURDERS SHOWGIRL, even though the cops have yet to charge or question him.

Marie visits the museum to check out Deen’s “wax” doppelganger. Meanwhile, Haskell, deeply suspicious of Renard, sneaks inside. A jittery Nick is too preoccupied with a group of twitching wax figures to notice him.

Renard prepares to make exhibits out of Marie and Black with Deen’s assistance. He commands some wax figures to lend added support.

Haskell makes his move but is overpowered by Renard’s wax zombies.

Black laughs hysterically as Renard is about to lower him into a huge vat of molten wax. His levity infuriates Renard, who lunges at him but misses and falls into the bubbling brew.

Renard wakes to find he was only having a nightmare. Distraught over the shocking events he dreamed, events that seemed frighteningly real, he relives a few of the movie’s many highlights.

Speaking of Highlights

You too can relive them, on DVD. Just be aware that the picture and audio quality is on par with that of a VHS tape fished out of an oil spill.

In Praise of Old Ladies Pushing Wheeled Walkers

old lady with a wheeled waler

A couple of years ago I had a job hefting cartons of wine off palettes and plunking them on a conveyor belt. One fateful day, I plunked when I should have hefted and pain ripped through my back like a biker gang mowing down a marching band.

I spent the weekend hobbling around my house, clutching a broom handle to keep myself upright. Upright in a stooped kind of way. On a positive note, I became well acquainted with areas of my carpet I’d missed when I last did the vacuuming.

My back eventually made a recovery, albeit a partial one. I could still do the odd bit of heavy lifting but not for long periods without wishing I was bobbing for apples in a barrel of morphine.

After easing up on the lifting for a while, and with the last bout of pain a distant memory, I started to think my back was 100 percent and I could move weighty stuff hither and yon like I did in my carton-hefting heyday.

An 80-pound rock in my front garden soon crushed the life out of that delusion.

With my back now a masochist’s multiple orgasm, I had no choice but to return to the hobbling and the broom handle clutching.

When Coke Calls

My plan was to stay indoors for a few days until the pain had subsided. But I had a problem. My fridge needed restocking.

I didn’t have a car, which meant I had to walk to the supermarket. Getting there unassisted, though, would be like trying to navigate the Cape of Good Hope in an iron lung. While the broom was OK for inside the house, it couldn’t get me to and from my destination unless I flew on it and, in my condition, jumping off the roof was out of the question.

All seemed lost, and then I saw it.

My late mother’s wheeled walker.

I knew my street cred was about to die a horrible death, but I didn’t care, since I needed a Coca-Cola fix something fierce. I had to buy some other items too, and the walker had a wire basket that would save me having to lug it all.

An Uneasy Wheeling

The hammering vibrations that shot up through the walker’s frame into my wrists and forearms as I negotiated my cobblestone driveway told me that this was going to be no easy trek. But they were nothing compared to the brutal jolts I copped when I tackled my first curb. By the time I’d covered a block, I felt as if I’d been king-hit by the Great Pyramid of Giza.

I wanted to do a one-eighty and head for home, but my raging caffeine addiction said, “No. You’ve come this far, don’t stop now.”

For the next half an hour, I groaned and grimaced as the walker, which was possessed by Satan, transferred the jarring vibration from every bump, hole, dip, and irregularity in the pavement into my body, magnifying it tenfold. I wondered how little old ladies could endure this torture day in, day out. They were tougher men than I.

I staggered into the main drag of the shopping center where the supermarket was located. An elderly woman seated at a table in an outdoor café, wheeled walker by her side, nodded at me as I shambled past. I nodded back. We were like two Vietnam veterans wordlessly acknowledging the fraternity and horror of war.

Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane? It’s Supermarket!

When I finally shuffled onto the supermarket’s smooth floor, my smarting muscles found instant and desperately needed relief. But it was short lived. As I bent down to pick up a pack of baking soda, I won the pain lottery. And every time I picked up another item, I won it all over again.

The pain sent my mind tumbling into delirium. I was no longer in a supermarket, I was in Scientology’s L.A. headquarters, watching Kirstie Alley perform an unspeakable act on John Travolta with a penis-shaped E-meter, while a 103-year-old L. Ron Hubbard circuited the building in an open-top flying saucer, shouting, “Didn’t you people get my message? This is total BS!”

I got out of the supermarket as fast as I slowly could.

The journey home took close to forever. The pain in my back wasn’t as severe as before, but the pain in my wrists and forearms had worsened and the only way to ease it was to slow from a crawl to a lunch-hour bank queue.

The Agony and the More Agony

At long last I arrived at my front door. As I struggled to get the walker over the stoop, which had risen ten feet in my absence, somebody—I didn’t see who—plunged a set of steak knives into my back.

I entered the house with all the grace of Quasimodo bounding up a downward moving escalator.

With a breathless wuff, I collapsed on a living room chair. My back arched in pain from the impact. Thankfully, relief came quickly. Contemplation came shortly thereafter. I spared a thought for all the dear old souls who had to get around with wheeled walkers. Never again would I march obliviously past them. No, I would stand at attention and salute them with a tear in my eye.

I chuckled. Despite the pain and exhaustion, I had emerged triumphant from my appalling ordeal. I had defeated that devilish instrument of torture. I had been to hell and back with a bad back, yet I would live to hobble and grimace another day.

The chuckle became a hearty laugh, the laugh of a victor, a winner, a champion, a legend.

Then it suddenly occurred to me.

I’d forgotten the Coke.

WordPress Plugins I Use and Love

WordPress plugins

It’s true, plugins make the WordPress go round. If you’re new to WordPress, the world’s most popular weblogging software, or content management system as it’s more verbosely known, you may not be familiar with plugins. Plugins are software that add greater functionality to a WordPress blog, enabling you to do more stuff with it, like make it spiffier and keep hackers at bay.

There are more than 30,000 plugins available for WordPress. Most are free. Some will cost you. Others are available in both free and premium versions. The premium versions place a broader range of tools at your disposal so you can do even more stuff than the stuff you were able to do with the free version. I use only the free versions on my blog. What’s a euphemism for cheapskate?

This is a list of plugins I use that live up to their advertising and then some.

Anti-Spam

Anti-Spam

I’ve saved the best for first. What’s so great about Anti-Spam? It works its magic without any setting up or configuration from you. Once you’ve installed and activated it, you’re done. Does it stop spam? Does it what! I’ve had this miraculous plugin on my blog since day one and haven’t copped any spam at all, zilch. Many of the other spam-fighting plugins require some configuration and won’t function unless you enter an Akismet activation code or sign up to an anti-spam database. Anti-Spam gives all of that tiresome rigmarole the flick and starts bouncing spam like a good spam bouncer should right from the get-go. WordPress plugins don’t come any better.

Anti-Spam

All in One WP Security and Firewall

All in One WP Security and Firewall

Hackers love WordPress like BO loves armpits. Unfortunately the out-of-the-box version of WP offers little in the way of protection against hack attacks. That’s why you should install All in One WP Security, or a plugin like it, as soon as your blog is up and running. When some malevolent geek tries to log in to your admin panel with a brute-force script, All in One will ban his IP address after a certain number of failed attempts, then notify you by email that he’s been booted from your blog. All in One has a smorgasbord of features you can access from the WP SECURITY link in your dashboard.

All in One WP Security and Firewall

UpdraftPlus Backup and Restoration

UpdraftPlus Backup and Restoration

One of the things about web hosts that gets my goat and me too is that most of them deign to back up websites only when they feel like it. If you want backups performed daily, you typically have to pay extra for a dedicated backup service. WordPress solves this problem with a generous selection of backup plugins. UpdraftPlus Backup and Restore is numero uno in my book. With this plugin you can perform backups manually or set it to perform them automatically. When a backup has been made, UpdraftPlus will email it to you or upload it to one of a range of preselected storage options.

UpdraftPlus Backup and Restoration

WordPress SEO by Yoast

WordPress SEO by Yoast

WordPress SEO is a search engine optimization plugin that as of this writing has been downloaded close to 13,000,000 times, which means it’s either one of the most popular WP plugins ever or somebody with OCD keeps downloading it by mistake. What is search engine optimization or SEO? It’s a series of strategies you can employ to make your blog more attractive to search engines and to raise your all-important Google ranking. WordPress SEO helps you fine-tune your blog’s SEO. Fine tune it so that search engines and web surfers will flock to it like patrons to a pub with free beer. Getting a handle on all of the plugin’s options can seem daunting, but the guide posted below will soon have you SEOing along with the best of them.

Guide to WordPress SEO

WordPress SEO by Yoast

Page Builder by SiteOrigin

Page Builder by SiteOrigin

Page Builder by SiteOrigin makes designing captivating WordPress pages a cinch by turning common widgets, those drag-and-drop boxes that make up your blog’s sidebar, into versatile building blocks. This blog’s homepage was put together with Page Builder. I’ve gone for a simple uncluttered look, though Page Builder can make your pages as busy as you like. It helps to know some CSS and HTML to get your pages looking just right. I simply Google whatever I need to do, e.g. add a colored border with CSS, and there will be a tutorial on that very thing waiting just for me. Incredible coincidences like that follow me all over the Internet.

Page Builder by SiteOrigin

Black Studio TinyMCE Widget

Black Studio TinyMCE Widget

Is it a gangsta rapper or a plugin? It’s a plugin! This one works beautifully with Page Builder. If you’ve ever used a text widget, you’ll be aware that you can’t do much with it unless you know your way around web code, or you copy and paste web code into it that somebody else knows his way around. TinyMCE gives you the functionality of WordPress’ visual editor in a widget. You can change fonts, indent paragraphs, insert block quotes, and do anything that the visual editor can, all without any knowledge of web code. After you’ve installed and activated the plugin, you’ll find it listed as Visual Editor in your widgets page.

Black Studio TinyMCE Widget

WP Super Cache

WP Super Cache

Don’t you hate it when a webpage takes longer than a lecture on microeconomic reform to load? In this day and age of wanting everything last week, few of us have the patience to wait for a dawdling web server to pick up the pace. Rather we’ll hurry on to the next website. So will visitors to your blog. WP Super Cache stops this from happening by loading your webpages fast. I don’t know how it works—I’m as technically minded as moth larvae—but what I do know is that it works brilliantly. Since installing this plugin, I’ve never had an issue with slow-loading pages on my blog. WP Super Cache is super indeed.

How to Install and Setup WP Super Cache for Beginners

WP Super Cache

She Devil: Unforgettable! Unforgivable! Unbelievable!

She Devil

If you like your camp amped, if you like your histrionics hyped, if you like your melodrama magnified, you cannot, you must not go past the B-grade pearl of great price that is She Devil. This outré classic from the glory days of good-science-gone-bad movies, the 1950s, will have you asking that age-old philosophical question: what the hell? But there’s really no mystery about this movie. It’s a simple what if story, as in what if Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde were written and directed by Liberace?

There Be Spoilers

Dr. Scott is examining a pencil drawing of a fruit fly through a microscope in his laboratory. It was probably meant to be an actual fruit fly, but there must have been a miscommunication with the studio’s props department. A colleague, Dr. Bach, pays him a visit. Scott tells Bach he’s been working on a serum derived from the fruit fly that will cure all diseases. So far it’s cured two guinea pigs of tuberculosis and mended a cat’s broken spine.

Scott injects one of Bach’s patients, Kyra Zelas, with the serum, which heals the terminally ill woman overnight. A nurse with the acting ability of particle board declares the healing a miracle. After Scott gives Kyra a second injection, Bach notices that the puncture mark left by the needle has vanished almost immediately.

Bach invites the rejuvenated and slightly paranoid Kyra to stay in his mansion so he and Scott can monitor the serum’s long-term effect on her. She tells him she accepts his invitation but only because she wants to, then vows to get everything she’s ever desired.

Kyra visits an upmarket fashion boutique and watches a sugar daddy pull out a big wad of cash to pay for an outfit his trophy wife has just tried on. She marches right up to him and demands he give her the money. Before he has a chance to say no, she snatches the dosh and makes for the exit. He grabs her and she scones him with a glass ashtray. As the manager of the boutique calls the cops and an ambulance, but not necessarily in that order, she ducks into one of the changing rooms. Two cops show up so fast you’d think the police station was next door. Kyra overhears the manager telling them she’s a dark-haired woman in a cheap black dress. She throws on a white dress that by some remarkable coincidence has been left in the changing room. The cops bang on the changing room door, demanding she let them in. She gazes into a mirror and wills her hair to turn platinum blonde. It does. The manager apologizes to her profusely when she sashays out of the changing room, looking like Mamie Van Doren.

She Devil and the sugar daddy

I’ll give you $200 if you whack me over the head with that ashtray. It’s aversion therapy. I’m trying to give up smoking.

Later at Bach’s mansion, the two doctors are both amazed and aroused by Kyra’s sexy transformation. She claims she dyed her hair, but a test Bach runs on some of her hair strands reveals that the color is natural pigmentation.

The next morning, Bach sees a photo of Kyra’s old dress in a newspaper report about the assault and robbery at the boutique. He and Scott conclude that the serum has given her fantastic adaptive powers that enabled her to change her hair color instantaneously to avoid being nabbed by the cops. They confront Kyra with the report, who grouches that they created her, so she’s their problem now.

Kyra overhears Bach encouraging Scott to create an antidote for the serum. She approaches Scott when he’s alone in his lab and says she won’t let him inject her with an antidote, because there’s nothing like being indestructible. She walks over to a caged black panther and lets it claw her arm. Scott cleans the bloody marks to find her wounds have already healed completely. Unable to contain the blazing furnace in his trousers any longer, he and Kyra start getting it on in the lab until 1957 film censorship yells “Cut!”

Bach holds a party at the mansion and introduces Kyra to sleazebag Barton Kendall and his wife. Kendall doesn’t bother to hide his sexual attraction for Kyra. He even makes a pass at her in the mansion’s garden, knowing that his wife is watching. His wife slaps Kyra and calls her a trollop. She warns Kendall that she’s not going to put up with his philandering anymore. He asks her for a divorce, but she refuses to grant him one, as she’d have to give up the power and prestige that comes from being a Kendall.

Kyra disguises herself by turning her hair black, then strangles Kendall’s wife to death for slapping her, a strangulation that’s every bit as convincing as the flying saucers in Plan 9 from Outer Space. Later that evening, Bach accuses her of the murder. She confesses to the crime but tells Bach there’s nothing he or Scott can do about it, because they turned her into the mighty morphing homicidal floozy she is, which makes them accessories after the fact.

She Devil and the panther

You think you’re hot stuff, don’t you, puss? Well, get a load of this feline. Now, this is what you call catty.

They attempt to give Kyra the antidote for her condition while she’s asleep, but she wakes up and threatens to destroy them if they don’t leave her room. They leave without questioning how she would destroy them, since although she’s indestructible she doesn’t have super strength. Come the next morning, she’s packed her bags and gone.

Bach and Scott learn that Kyra is engaged to be married to Kendall. Scott visits Kendall to warn him about the devil woman with evil on her mind. But Kendall isn’t in a listening mood and accuses Scott of being jealous because he too is in love with Kyra. Scott admits he is and then storms off.

A few months into her marriage, Kyra tells Kendall that she’s fed up with all the boring weekends they’ve been spending at his country retreat. Kendall, whose blood-alcohol level reads “no smoking or open flame,” says his former wife was right about her: she is a trollop. When she calls him a drunk, he pulls a gun on her and shoots her in the shoulder. He begs her forgiveness and, incredibly, gets it.

While driving Kyra to a hospital in his sports car, Kendall tells her to keep still or her bullet wound will start bleeding again. She shows him that she has no bullet wound, then grabs the wheel and steers the car toward the edge of the mountain road they’re on. The car sails off a cliff backward, and the two dummies made up to look vaguely like Kyra and Kendall earn every cent of whatever the film’s producers paid them. Kyra exits the smoking wreckage at the base of the cliff as good as gold, but Kendall isn’t so lucky.

Bach and Scott hear a news report about the fatal car accident—fatal for Kendall—over the radio. Bach insists they do something to stop Kyra once and for all.

They meet with the “grieving” widow at Bach’s mansion and give her an ultimatum: she must submit to an operation that will return her to her sweet normal self or they will go to the police. She says she needs time to weigh her options.

Kyra and Scott rekindle their old romance. She promises to make all of his dreams come true if he forgoes injecting her with the antidote and helps her kill Bach. Scott informs Bach, who comes up with a plan to knock her out by making her stew in her own waste. No, not number ones and twos, carbon dioxide.

The plan works and they operate on her. Post-op, Scott observes a heavenly glow around Kyra, whose hair changes back to its original color before his and Bach’s eyes. She regains consciousness and confesses her love for him but dies shortly thereafter.

The film ends with Scott gazing upon a portrait of a platinum blonde Kyra that looks as though it were purchased from an outdoor market in Tijuana. “She was so beautiful,” he remarks.

She Devil Is Waiting Just for You

She Devil is available in a sumptuous widescreen transfer on DVD and Blu-ray. Watch it with somebody you love or whom you plan to inject with a psychosis-inducing drug that will give him or her miraculous healing and transformative powers.