Government surveillance of citizens is running wild. Spy drones patrol the skies, private emails and telephone conversations are intercepted, security cameras monitor your every move and, if all that wasn’t bad enough, now there’s the growing phenomenon of targeted individuals. These are people who claim they’ve been singled out by clandestine government organizations for especially invasive scrutiny and harassment. This is seemingly done for no other reason than to drive them crazy, which some uncharitable folk might argue is like shutting the barn door after the horse has bolted. At any rate, targeted individuals’ ranks are swelling as more hapless victims of Big Brother come forward. This raises the question: how do you know for sure you’re a targeted individual? Here are ten dead giveaways.
1. People drive past you, flashing their high beams, while you’re scuba diving.
2. You’re certain somebody has bugged your telephone. So is the man crouched under your kitchen sink with headphones and a reel-to-reel tape recorder.
3. You break wind while watching the evening news, when the newsreader pulls a disgusted face and demands to know what you had for lunch.
4. The cream floating on top of the caffè latte you purchased forms a message that reads “We use only the freshest nanobots in our coffee.”
5. You overhear complete strangers discussing your most intimate personal details. Worse, one of them says he’s encouraging your ex-spouse to get back together with you.
6. Government operatives bombard you with psychotronic communications through a biochip in your head. If that’s not bad enough, when they go to lunch they leave a Hooked on Bagpipes CD playing.
7. You call the Home Shopping Network to order a product, and Henry Kissinger takes your credit card details.
8. Whenever the bell on your microwave oven rings, you throw on a grass hula skirt and a propeller cap, then race up and down your street, shouting “The fleet’s in! The fleet’s in!”
9. Every Christmas you get a card from the NSA thanking you for all the overtime.
10. Perfect strangers dressed just like you follow you everywhere, aping everything you do. This is particularly embarrassing when you suffer food poisoning at a nudist colony.