Some Internet Filters I’d Like to See

Net filter wish list

Internet filtering software is primarily designed to remove porn from web surfing, which is a real bummer if you’re into porn, but I’d like to see it expanded to block even more offensive material. The following is a list of things I don’t ever want to see in my browser again.

Billionaire Babble

If I see another quote from Steve Jobs, Warren Buffett, Bill Gates or some other ridiculously rich entrepreneur posted online, my head is going to go sploosh like a bolognaise-filled balloon dropped on concrete. Look, let’s stare reality right in its ugly mush. You and I are never going to be billionaires. We’re probably never even going to be millionaires. That means all of these pearls of wisdom are wasted on us, so I want them disappeared from my PC monitor. While I still have a head.

YouTube Auteurs

Why do so many people who upload videos to YouTube feel the need to add blaring music to them or lame self-promotional intros that run longer than the video footage itself? Do they truly believe that anybody not in a straitjacket or higher than a telecommunications satellite is going to go “Wow! Great music!” or “Dynamite intro!” I have news for these people: nobody wants to see or hear your rinky-dink creative flourishes. They’re bloody annoying!

Do Not Adjust Your Monitor

You click on a link to a blog or website that came up in a search result. You’re taken to the home page of that blog or website, when all of a sudden your PC monitor grows dim as though it’s on the fritz. As unwashed sentiment spews from your mouth, since you think you’ll have to get it fixed or buy another, a pop-up subscription invitation appears. Spewing further unwashed sentiment, you kill the pop-up and hit the back button, vowing never to darken the virtual doorstep of that blog or website again.

I suspect that not too long ago some self-proclaimed online marketing guru posted an article in which he cited a bunch of dubious statistics that proved these monitor-fading intrusions boosted subscriptions and sales by a significant factor, and his many followers were fool enough to believe him. May he open the attachments of 1000 spam emails.

Bewitched, Bothered, and Botoxed

Have you ever seen a photo of somebody who looked better after being injected with Botox? Me neither. But celebrities, admittedly not the brightest of people, can’t get enough of the stuff because they reckon it makes them appear younger. If looking as if somebody is trying to asphyxiate them with saran wrap makes them appear younger, then they’re right. At any rate, photos of Botoxed celebrities give me the heebie jeebies. I don’t want them on my PC.

Wiki Anything

What do you think when you think Wikipedia? I think cluttered, highly unreliable information that can be edited by just about anybody. Wikipedia is what the Encyclopaedia Britannica would read like if all of the entries were voted on by the audience of America’s Got Talent. Such is its popularity that many websites now have their own wikis, which is just what the Internet needed: more poorly presented, questionable material. Nothing with a wiki in it will get past my Net filter. Bank on it.