The spam that’s stormed my inbox over the years, like Jason Statham with an AK47, has followed certain trends. Trends set by spammers, funnily enough, who prefer to be called electronic marketers, which is like hookers calling themselves street urologists. But I digress. The first waves of spam I copped were mostly hawking penis enlargement pills and Viagra. Then they moved on to bogus lottery prizes, non-existent freight consignments, and fake job offers, anything to entice me into clicking the malware-loaded links in the body of the emails.
Predictably, Nigerian 411 scams have been a staple of my spam diet. It’s hard to believe that a third-world country like Nigeria would have more multi-millionaires per square mile than Bel Air, but terribly ungrammatical emails sent to countless random people don’t lie.
The latest batch of spam I’ve received has seen a return to penis enlargement pills and Viagra. I guess spammers have finally realized that what the world needs now is love truncheons. Mega-sized, titanium-hard ones.
Incidentally, when spammers commence a new “electronic marketing” campaign, their aim is to get one out of every million people they spam to purchase their products. Which means that people who buy spam-advertised penis enlargement pills and other questionable items are one in a million. Literally.
If I Had Me a Spammer
The other day, I was poring over such uniquely punctuated headings as “C A N A-D_ I_ A_N–…P…H…A-R…M A-C…Y…” and ” S A F_E- &_-F..A S..T –_P E..N_I_S-_-E..N_L-A..R..G E_M..E_N T!” and the word jumbles that accompanied them, when I had a brilliant idea.
I could make a swag of money rewriting spam.
I mean if there’s anything that needs a little syntax refinement, it’s spam. Am I right or am I right?
Soooooo I’d like to take this opportunity to advertise my services as the world’s first spam editor. If you’re a spammer—I beg your pardon, electronic marketer—I’ll gussy up your emails and make them so entrancing that nobody will be able to turn down your incredible range of value-for-money products. As proof of my editing skills, here are some samples of my best work and the actual electronic advertisements from which they were taken.
Lenora X. Khanel writes: Be a shagedelic Casanova. Yeah baby! Yeah! Yeah well as Beth moved past. Last night Matt is going at Cassie. Stop at the table matt. Beth said.
The Content Bloke’s rewrite: Be the world’s greatest lover. You’ll have Beth singing, “She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah!” as you move her past the point of no return. Matt got Cassie to do likewise last night when he bonked her on the table, or so Beth said.
Gweneth N. Loup writes: Bronte chapter twenty four year old enough. Smiled in front seat next. Thank you.
The Content Bloke’s rewrite: At 24 years of age, Bronte is old enough to smile in the front seat, which is much better than her smiling in the back seat, seeing she’s driving. Thank you for staying in the front seat, Bronte.
Leena Q. writes: Blow her away with your gigantic weapon. Answer her being called over. Hughes to bring it was Josiah. Mountain men were close to rest. May they as we.
The Content Bloke’s rewrite: She’ll be flabbergasted by the size of the pistol you’re packing when you answer her call. Hughes and Josiah were going to bring theirs over, but those two mountain men have been going at it so hard they need a rest, like we all do from time to time.
Mrs. Emma Robot writes: Greetings from Mrs. Emma Robot. I am Mrs. Emma Robot from South Africa. I am married to late Mr. Solomon Robot, who worked with South Africa Embassy in Ghana West Africa for Twenty-Six years before he died in the year 2006 after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.
The Content Bloke’s rewrite: Hello there. My name is Mrs. Emma Robot—Robot by name but not by nature, I can assure you. I live in South Africa. I was married to the late Mr. Solomon Robot, who was even less robotic than I am, which is not robotic at all. Mr. Robot worked in the South Africa Embassy in Ghana, West Africa before he died in 2006. After his death, he worked as an automated teller machine in Johannesburg but had to take an early retirement owing to a permanent back injury he suffered during a ram raid.
I’m available to edit all your electronic marketing campaigns seven days a week. I accept cash, checks, credit cards, and economy-sized bottles of penis enlargement pills.