Alien abductions have reached epidemic proportions. Just ask George Noory or anyone who works for the History Channel. When aliens come a calling it’s never by appointment. They won’t even send you a courtesy text to let you know they’re on their way, which is understandable considering the criminally steep cell phone charges in their neck of the cosmos.
So what do you do when they materialize in your bedroom like almond-headed wraiths or beam you out of your rattling pick-up on an Ozarks back road in the dead of night? The answer is nothing, since you won’t have time. That’s why it’s important you’re already packed and ready to go.
Here are ten important items you must take with you.
You’ll need this if your abductors take you to Venus, where customs laws are positively Stalinesque. Upon arrival you’ll be frisked vigorously by a multi-tentacled zlarp, which looks like a cross between a bilious green Humboldt squid and a piano accordion.
Ensure you have no M&M’S on your person. It is a capital crime to bring them into Venus. This law was enacted after one of the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s three heads exploded while he was tucking into a family-size bag.
2. Coconut Oil
Anal probes are out and nostril probes are in. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the probes are covered in a gummy substance that makes your nose hairs stick to them like barnacles to the Titanic. This makes extracting them pure torture. Your eyes will water for days.
A liberal smear of coconut oil in each nostril will eliminate this problem. What’s more, coconut oil is an extremely valuable commodity on many alien worlds, which puts you in a tremendous bargaining position. For instance, you could agree to give your abductors a jar of it if they’ll pay off your Mastercard.
3. An Inconvenient Truth on DVD
ETs aren’t big on environmentalism but they are on Al Gore, who bears an uncanny resemblance to a flowering shrub they venerate which secretes a kind of black liquid Styrofoam. Having this DVD in your possession will give you huge street cred with them. Plus you’ll receive a 20 percent discount off all listening and reading materials in their ziggurat’s bookshop.
4. Electric Pencil Sharpener
An electric pencil sharpener produces a low-level frequency that will render your otherworldly kidnappers unconscious long enough for you to make good your escape. Be aware that this method works only if a 220v AC power outlet is handy and you know how to pilot a warp-drive spacecraft solo.
Does your current skill set fall short of that last requirement? Call Area 51 on 555 TINFOIL. They run a course that will enable you to obtain your interstellar pilot’s license.
Please note: people with dentures or spray-on hair will be refused enrollment.
5. Giant Foam Hand
Some ETs are paranoid about their health to the point of refusing to shake hands with anyone who hasn’t bathed in industrial-strength disinfectant for at least six hours. A sneeze or even a sniff from you is enough to make these jittery jokers run *scrinkling.
Don a giant foam hand and grab your throat as if you were choking on a piece of stale lasagne. They’ll think you’ve come down with Dog Star Belly, a form of gastroenteritis that causes their extremities to swell, throats to constrict, and **banwaks to explasiate, and will only be too happy to take you right back to where they snatched you from.
*Scrinkle : to scream and tinkle simultaneously.
6. Whoopee Cushion
Being poked, prodded, and probed by overly inquisitive aliens, who wouldn’t know a human rights violation if it slapped them in the dissection table, can leave you feeling as downcast as a real estate broker on Judgment Day.
Brighten your abduction with a whoopee cushion. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the look on a spaceman’s mantis-like mug when he thinks he’s let one rip. Hilarious!
7. Glomesh Handbag
For some strange reason Glomesh handbags make extraterrestrials quake at the knees in terror, though, technically speaking, ETs don’t have knees, they have single bendable leg bones which could win them a swag of gold medals if they competed in rhythmic gymnastics at the Olympics.
Anyway, to elicit the maximum terror, swing the handbag over your head and shout at the top of your voice. Once you have them cowering, demand they fly you back to Mother Earth and/or vaporize the cast of Celebrity Apprentice.
8. Photo of Joan Rivers
One of the unfortunate after-effects of an alien abduction is a disorienting sense of time displacement. Hours, days even, of your life can go AWOL. You find yourself saying things like: Who am I? Where have I been? What have I been doing? These boxer shorts aren’t mine!
The quickest way out of this funk is to shock your brain back to reality and what better way to do it than with a photo of Joan Rivers? If you can’t get your hands on a happy snap of Joan, one of Mickey Rourke or the Hindenburg going up in a fireball will suffice.
9. Nylon Nightie
Nylon nighties generate a ton of static electricity. Give one a brisk rub and then throw it on the spaceship’s control panel. It’ll blow out the internal guidance system. Sure, you’ll die in a thermonuclear explosion when the ship slams into a celestial body at faster-than-light speed, but you’ll take a whole crew of the creepy chicken-legged bastards with you.
10. Carton of Cigarettes
If aliens smoked cigarettes, they’d know that, owing to their unique biochemistry, it boosted their immune systems and prolonged their lives. So offer them a gasper. The natural high they’ll get will dissuade them from poking around inside your gall bladder.
Moreover, when word spreads about this remarkable new health product of yours, you’ll become a household name throughout the cosmos. Smoke Your Way to Good Health. Now, there’s an intergalactic bestseller with your name on it!